I broke up with my current ex 13 months ago, when I met my new boyfriend that I have mentioned before - the one that keeps trying to get into the country and can't ...
Today, I rang my ex. We are in a difficult situation. He wants to be in this country and is happy here, I am clearly not. Sadly, he is here on my visa and if we notify the customs officials to this problem he will have to leave. I, having that stupid thing called a conscience, don't want to make him leave when he is happy here and has made a life for himself. Sadly, this means that I can't leave either. If it was just me, I would be out of here at a moments notice, blink of an eye etc etc.
So today I rang him to say that I needed some time out, and as this might possibly affect his visa, I wanted to check with him and make him fully aware of the situation I am. Due to the things that have happened in the past year, I am struggling with stress, anxiety and depression. I had decided that life was too much for me and I wanted out of the little hell hole that I live in and that I have made for myself and Africa was the place that I wanted to be. I was considering going back for 3 months to suss it out, get my head sorted, and trying to figure out what I wanted from life and where I should go long term. I was and am still convinced that England is not the place for me.
However, after talking for an hour and a half, the cell phone starting to burn up as it was completely over worked, he really tried his hardest to put things in perspective for me. Take one step at a time. Don't panic now over things that might not happen, or won't happen, or can't happen. Do one thing at a time, think about one thing at a time. When that thing is done, move onto the next one.
This all makes perfect sense. I also rather bluntly asked what I should do about my current situation. My so-called boyfriend in Africa, that I have seen for 3 months out of 13, cannot come here. Do I give up getting a British passport to have happiness now? Although, as my ex pointed out, what if that happiness fails in 10 years, or 2 years, or 5 years? What happens to me then? Will I be stuck in a country that I cannot leave if Africa goes bad as it seems to be doing almost daily? My family are all here in the UK except for a few aunties and uncles etc that are still in South Africa, so what if the opportunity for me to come and go as I please gets taken away by a government that hardly seems to know whats it doing at the moment?Is happiness now worth more than a lifetime of problems or possible unhappiness?
After all, how do you know that a relationship will last? You can build dreams and hopes to your hearts content, which we have done. You can wish for everything in the world, you can be sure that you want that person and will want them for the rest of your life, but life seems to have other ideas and can change at the drop of a hat.
So do I sit with patience, thinking that all good things come to those who wait. Sit in a country that I dislike, in a job I dislike, with people that I dislike, getting caught up in the twisted little nets of issues and drama's that come with living too close to people that you work with, socialising with them, see them every day of your life ... until you're ready to kill them all??
I know what my heart wants to do, and I know what my head thinks I should do. The problem is, which one should you live by, your head or your heart?
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