About what? Well, this is a story.
I am now 27 years old, 28 being a mere month away, and have never had the courage to go for a Brazilian wax, which is apparently one of the things you should do before you die - quite frankly, the idiot that said that is probably male and wouldn't let a woman wielding hot wax anywhere near that specific area of his anatomy. Moron.
Well my darling lady, Alicia, that takes great delight in ripping the rest of my body hair out once a month, has always said "Go on, you won't regret it, it's great, and the pain is really only irritating more than painful! You'll be fine!" I think that beauticians are taught to lie in beauty school in order to sell painful and unnecessary treatments to clients and line their pockets - sorry Alicia, I love you to bits.
So, this month, I was suitably hairy enough to have it all ripped out, and for some stupid reason, without even thinking about it, did an Internet payment to her before I went for full leg, bikini, Brazilian, and underarm - clearly I have no brains. I know that there are women out there that have a high pain threshold and can handle these things - I am not one of those. I generally have to split my wax over two days and come out shaking like a leaf in a breeze, then have to down some sort of alcohol after to numb the pain and walk funny til the pain subsides enough to go back to normal.
So off I went, in high spirits, and when I arrived told Alicia cheerfully that I had paid for it but would see how I went, I probably wouldn't have the courage. Alicia is great at getting me on that table in my underwear and then not letting me get back up again til she's ripped every last bit of wax off and then tweezed a few extra ones as well the cow. I sometimes wonder if you have to be a sadist to be a beautician, sugar-coating pain is their trade mark!
So we did the legs, front and back, and as long as I keep talking I'm generally OK as then I am either laughing or up in arms about something, and bless her heart, Alicia tries her best to keep me talking so that I don't swear - she is a good Christian girl and I feel awful for f'ing and blinding in front of her - I should take a wooden spoon with next time to bite down on actually, that might help.
On we went to the bikini line, and then the dreaded words came: "Right, knickers off!"
I gulped: "Do I have to?"
"Well no," says Alicia cheerfully, "but then I can't really see what I'm doing."
Right, thanks to my parents, I am very strong on the point of if you're going to do something, do it properly. I dropped my knickers. Shocking I know. Thank heavens no one really reads this blog, as it only gets worse. Sorry Mom, you're going to be totally scandalized.
The worse bit being is that in order to complete a Brazilian, you have to wax almost everything off down there, apart from a wee bit on top. In order to get to these slightly inaccessible bits, the legs need to be spread...This was actually worse than my first ever smear - a possibly worse than all of them rolled into one ... but there you go, "finish the job properly" echoing in my head and all, thanks Mum and Dad, don't I wish I was a half-job Harry!
So off we go, bright purple wax smeared all over - something else sugar-coated might I add; do they think that because the wax is a gorgeous shade of purple you'll be too busy admiring it to not scream in pain?? The top wasn't so bad, I must say. Painful yes, but only slightly worse than the normal bikini area, so bearable I suppose. The sides however (how do I say this without it being incredibly rude??) am not sure. Well the best and all that I will say is the top is done, so use your imagination to figure out what is left - the sides of down there!!! AAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
When the first bright purple bit if wax was ripped off, Alicia briskly and professionally saying that once you've seen one you've seen them all, I actually shrieked and said "F" at the top of my lungs. That pain is totally indescribable and it really didn't stop for quite some time. The part that I am sure most people will find rather amusing, is that Alicia's beautiful little beauty room is within a gym - so you have to walk through a gym that is generally filled with people to get to her, and as I can hear music and people from inside with the door closed, I am damn sure they heard me!!! Walking out after was rather embarrassing to say the least.
"See?" Alicia said cheerfully. "It's done and it wasn't so bad was it?"
I was still biting my hand to prevent myself screaming again. "It's not done!" I shrieked when I could talk again. "You have to do the other side!" My horror at this was also indescribable. Sod Chinese torture, next time Pio pisses me off I am waiting til he's asleep and am going to spread wax all over his balls and then wake him up and wish him the best of luck.
"Yes yes," Alicia says cheerfully, "But its only one more tiny strip and we're done!" Oh yes, of course we're done, except there were 3 more strips and my underarms!!! Only then I was able to get up and put my clothes back on very gingerly.
Alicia then cheerfully told me that in the meantime since my last visit, that her prices had actually increased, so I owed her money. My jaw dropped - basically, I hadn't actually paid for a Brazilian, but the very clever girl had done it and THEN told me. She probably knew that if she told me before I would never have agreed to it - I admire her!
I gratefully left after forking out some more cash, looking at the floor as I ran through the gym!
So word to the wise ladies - a Brazilian really isn't all that its cracked up to, and quite frankly, that very well may be the last time I ever venture down that stupidly painful road. Apparently it was the Egyptians that first came up with the idea of waxing (thanks Wikipedia) and honestly, what a bunch of idiots. Surely, with all the technology out there in the world, if a man can walk on the moon, why the hell can't there be a painless way to remove hair??
